on Friends

Take your needle, my child, and work at your pattern; it will come out a rose by and by. Life is like that; one stitch at a time taken patiently, and the pattern will come out all right like embroidery. Oliver Wendell Holmes

I’m at a place, sufficiently far along, that I can see enough of the tapestry that is my life to reflect upon it. I marvel at the many colored threads that are woven together to create something of such breathtaking beauty. My years are certainly full of despair as well as joy, and with those experiences come the contrast of colors that make a more dramatic piece of work.

In my tapestry, the colors that shine most brightly, that most take my notice, are those colors of friends, family, the people I hold dear to my heart. Sometimes a thread is lost for awhile, but most often it picks up again somewhere further on, a friend thought lost, reemerges, and I am overjoyed at the reunion.

Part of the goal of this trip is to pick up those threads that are growing thin, to bolster them with time, attention, affection, to create new memories together. Now, having left California, there are others that are beginning to fade. It’s a hard part of life, but I am old enough to accept it with peace, mostly. There are many more that will abide in my life until its end: red, lime green, violet, indigo, jade, sienna, purple, fuschia, mahogany.

I am most fascinated reflecting on how friends have entered my life. I pursued some, was pursued by others, and in a few cases met someone somewhere in the middle as we each recognized something that at once seemed essential and necessary to the other. Some I met in social groups, some during earlier travels, some through fellowship in church groups and Bible studies, others as we shared the recent arduous journey of obtaining our degrees. But, whatever the means, they are now intricately part of me, and can neither be extricated nor altered.

Even now, as I meet so many new people, make new friends and acquaintances, I wonder which ones will endure, will bear the months and miles that will soon separate us. I marvel at the new colors, the remarkable shades of dark and light that enter my life, enriching my days, exponentially increasing the experience that is my life, and I hope in turn that the flecks of orange I bring to their lives increase their joy.

RoadTrip Journal 10.18.05

First, let me explain that these photos of my first snow were taken only 48 hours after the fall photos I previously posted. It’s a characteristic of Colorado, these drastic weather changes. What outsiders don’t know, and I’m really not meant to tell, is that such storms, (this one left 18” of snow), are very short lived. Generally speaking, the grass pokes through in a matter of days, and in this case, we’ve been enjoying temperatures into the 80s again.

I have to admit that I was giddy and absolutely ridiculous with excitement to wake to this magnificent blanket of white stuff. I ran around with my dog who was quite unsure about how to handle this new substance. Of course the camera came out immediately and I ended up going into work quite a bit later than usual, and with very wet feet as I didn’t pack as thoroughly as I might have. And, can someone please tell me how you’re meant to navigate through snow covered streets with limited visibility and stoplights that are nearly completely obstructed? I mean, all I could think was, "You're kidding me, right?!" Did you know changing lanes on snow-covered highways is like jumping the wake while waterskiing? At least I have the California plates to warn everyone away. I admit, I was a bit of a disaster, and I relished every moment of it!

Now, I have to clarify, that this isn't truly my first snow. I had another one in the year I lived in Indiana as a new bride. This experience, the excitement and freshness of it, made me think of God's promise to restore and renew. I feel restored and renewed, able to replace tarnished memories with new ones. I am truly blessed.

I’ll be seeing a lot more of the stuff as the next leg of my journey is beckoning. I’m heading to Strasburg, Pennsylvania by way of friends and family in Kansas, Missouri and Ohio. I’ll celebrate Thanksgiving in Cincinnati with relatives before I head on to work for a friend’s dad, helping him assimilate a recently acquired company into his existing one. I’m very excited about the opportunity to explore the east coast, which I’m completely ignorant of, and to assist in simplifying the processes and systems in his company. It’s the sort of challenge I welcome and will bring such rewards to know I’m helping people find more hours in their days.

I’m excited to have a season of dormancy as I’ll be living in the heart of Amish country with very little to distract or disturb me. I have a stack of books, this blog, and a wood stove waiting for me. That’s all I’ve got to report for now, dear friends.

RoadTrip Journal 10.09.05

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear... It's like being in between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to. Marilyn Ferguson

But oh, how glorious that flight can be when Christ-led! As I prayed this morning with two women I just met, hands clasped together, earnestly petitioning our Father, I felt such peace. I'm overjoyed at the many rich experiences I'm being blessed with during these months of uncertainty. On these days I often find myself thinking, "I'm the luckiest girl in the world!"

It's been ages since I updated you all on my progress. I'm still in Denver. My cousin and his family graciously invited me to stay on with them, which I did until this past week. I'm now staying at a neighbor's home, housesitting for the next several weeks. I've been working long hours on a temp assignment that will continue until I leave. It's really feast or famine, so I'm taking advantage of this opportunity to get back in the black while I can!

It's autumn and I'm thrilled with the brisk mornings and talk of snow by the month's end. I drove to the mountains this weekend to see the aspens in their glory. I'm determined to savour every new experience that comes along, to live richly, breath deeply. I'm loving the church I'm attending, and am participating in three Bible studies. (Amazing what one can do when not in school!) It's tempting to want to stay on indefinitely, perhaps permanently, but I long to continue on in my journey, especially to spend time with those friends and family I've yet to see. I'm excited to see what experiences are yet to be had before I settle in somewhere. It's certainly very possible that I might make this my home after I complete my trip.

on Colorado Community Church

One of the deepest blessings for me on this journey has been discovering that the body of Christ extends beyond the parameters of physical and mental boundaries. I have been blessed to stumble upon a most wonderful church. Located in Denver, it has two campuses, with immediate plans to launch a third, and long term plans for five locations by 2020. Self-titled a 21st Century Church with 1st Century Power, it is both an intercultural and interdenominational church, and in many ways it feels like home. It’s been said that Sunday morning is the most segregated time of the week, and coming from a multi-ethnic family, that’s long been heartbreaking to me. I strongly believe we are all one in Christ, and I’m thrilled to be part of a church with cultural, ethnic, socio-economic and denominational diversity during this season. I encourage you to check out the website by clicking on the green link above, and in particular, listen to the sermons on covenant living.

Here are some aspects that are particularly appealing to me, things that I think are fruit of a healthy, dynamic church:

• Project 1.27 is a ministry to fulfill the commitment the pastor made to find homes for the 800 foster and adoptable children in Colorado. It almost functions like a private foster/ adoption agency. Check it out! www.project127.com You know that's close to my heart!

• 5 + 5 is a tithing concept where 5% goes to CCC and 5% to another church or ministry of choice. This openhanded attitude of "growing fruit on others' trees" is new to me and very refreshing. In fact, there's even an annual offering taken Thanksgiving eve that funds anonymous donations to ministries in need.

• My first Sunday, the pastor welcomed visitors by saying something about the church and different types of churches, and that if we didn't feel comfortable here, so and so had a great ministry, and such and such across town was really anointed, and that other place should really be checked out, even by members of CCC because God's really moving there. This demonstrates the attitude that all the churches in Denver are literally the body of Christ. There's no arrogance that CCC has a special anointing, just that they're one of the parts of the whole.

• Another philosophy is that of members covenanting to serve. This is exemplified by a saying they have, "If you don't want to do anything to serve God here, please find another church that's okay with that because we need your parking space." And yes, for my friends reading this, I did say "members". If you really want to keel over, I have to say that I'll be attending a membership class that's coming up.

• And, this is a BIG church with five services at the campus I attend, not like our little River that's still in the early stages of maturation. I never thought I'd attend a big church, but the lead pastor works so hard at being inclusive. I attend the Upper Room, a novel idea for an overflow room that serves coffee and pastries in a round table setting. It's such a creative solution and fosters relationship and community in a way that a sanctuary often doesn't. Even though I watch the sermon on one of many monitors (think sports bar) the pastors are so intentional about acknowledging us that against all odds it feels very intimate.

• Another example of this idea of being vessels and tools in God's hand is a generosity of resources. There are pew Bibles which people are encouraged to take home and keep, and be sure to get a nice one that's not all dog-eared yet.

All that being said, I have to say that I miss, long, and ache for the extended worship of my home church, The River. It reminds me that all our longings will only ultimately be fulfilled in heaven.

on Blogging

From www.dictionary.com
Main Entry: blog
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page; also called Weblog, Web log
Example: Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author.
Etymology: shortened form of Weblog
Usage: blog, blogged, blogging v, blogger n

Was there ever a more narcissistic, self-involved endeavor than blogging? To invest time and energy into the process of regurgitating one’s thoughts, insights, life journey, under the premise that others will read it, be entertained by it, perhaps even learn from it? And not only to stumble across it in an idle moment, but perhaps even to return again and again, to bookmark it, to witness the twists and turns of another’s life experience, to even feel a connection with a complete stranger.

Perhaps reading blogs holds the same allure as viewing the reality programs that currently dominate television. Maybe it’s similar to succumbing to the urge to look at the carnage of a traffic accident as we pass by. Maybe we use these exerpts from other people's lives as a barometer for our own mental health, social acumen or conformity.

Whatever it is that compels us to blog and to read blogs, whatever idealistic or capricious urge is being fed, let me formally announce that I have joined the ranks of the egocentric and self important masses who have succumbed to the need to send their musings out into cyberspace.

In my one small attempt at justification, may I at least say in my defense that I hope this will be a means of staying connected with the community I left behind in California last summer, as well as those friends I’m making along the way during this prolonged cross-country road trip.

If you sometimes laugh, sometimes feel enraged, sometimes weep, and sometimes feel less alone, then I’ll feel justified in this pursuit.

I’m curious to see what ripples this site will cause in my life or others. If you think its tripe, let me know. If you’re moved, I’d love to hear it. If your attention hasn’t been held long enough to get this far…well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

RoadTrip Journal 08.20.05

The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self – all your wishes and precautions – to Christ.

-CS Lewis

I’m now in Denver, spending a week with my cousin Jim and his family. It’s been wonderful getting to know him again after 20-some years, as well as meeting his wife and children. It’s a little hard to make the transition from cousin Jimmer to Dr Chapman, but I’m managing with only the occasional snicker. It’s been wonderful investing in these relationships, and though it’ll be that much harder to drive away from people I’m growing so connected to, I’m committed to the concept that ultimately the loving is worth the losing. As I mentioned in my previous letter, I was struggling to find temp work in Southern Colorado. I eventually decided to work at the Royal Gorge Bridge and Park where my mother works. It’s a tourist attraction including the highest suspension bridge over water (1/4 mile), the longest aerial tram (1/2 mile), and the steepest incline railway (from the rim of the gorge down to the Arkansas River), a favorite of John Wayne’s when he filmed movies in the area. It’s a regular playground of horrors for the height-aversive like me. I had, quite possibly, the two best positions in the park. For two days I was the photographer for the Old Time Photos, and the airbrush tattoo artist the other two. Both allowed me to nurture my creativity. On the flip side, I haven’t had so small a wage since I was 16. It was very humbling, and I’m sure will seem a much more romantic chapter in my trip in hindsight!

One layer of this journey is the exploration of the limitations of my character and strength. Two events of significance have occurred in the last month. The first is that I hardly complain of my intolerance to heat unless the temperature reaches triple digits (Side Note: I’m heading for Cincinnati’s heat and humidity next, so I may need to revoke this statement at a later date.) Second, I had set a goal for myself to come back through camp at the end of my trip to try the King Swing, a contraption with a harness that allows one to be raised 85’ into the trees, then released, hurtling through a clearing in the forest. The Royal Gorge has a more extreme version called the Skycoaster. It’s 100’ high and actually swings you out over the gorge at an approximate height of 1300’. Long story short, I did it…twice. I have photos to prove it, for you disbelievers. I used all the other features of the park to incrementally desensitize myself to the concept of height, as well as some other cognitive therapy tricks I learned in school. So, I’m not sure if I’m still afraid of heights or not. We’ll see when the next unplanned height obstacle presents itself…

As far as the direction God is leading me, I can only say that I’m not feeling significantly pulled back toward California, but still feel the draw of points unknown. I don’t know how long that will last, and I have no difinitive plans yet, but I’m still very excited to see all the friends and family who are yet to be visited. I miss you California people, and hope you are well.

RoadTrip Journal 07.23.05

Walkabout: a ritual in which one goes on a solitary journey through the wilderness in an attempt to learn more about his/ her own character and strength.

My journey began July 5th visiting my children and grandsons in Ontario, and nieces and nephews in San Bernardino. It was wonderful to spend time with these children of my heart who I had the privilege to raise and love as my own. From there I drove up to camp in Bass Lake where I was able to both reconnect with old friends and meet new staff. I was blessed to spend my first weekend with Brandon, a friend made last summer. We spent a day exploring Yosemite, and had a BBQ dinner at the historic Wawona Hotel. We spent another day in the tranquil setting of Soquel, a property owned by the camp. His final evening we drove back into camp and went out to dinner with the staff who were off for the night. It was such a blessing to share long leisurely conversations with them. I spent the next few days alone at the cabin in Soquel, taking a Sacred Pause. It’s something I do before each birthday, reflect on the past, look forward to the future, recalibrate whatever’s off. It’s a time to check in and see if I’m on the path I want to be on. As Parker Palmer says, “Is the life I’m living the life that wants to live in me?”

I then headed to Colorado via 2-lane highway through Yosemite, past Mono Lake (amazing!), and eventually (due to a wrong turn that ended up in a 6-hour detour) near Telluride and through the Red Mountain Pass. That pass was the most terrifying drive I’ve EVER made, at least 10 times worse than the drive to Arrowhead. It seemed like a mule trail someone decided to call a road, and no one had the sense to disagree. It was two lanes with a sheer cliff on the passenger side. There was about a foot of pavement past the white line of my lane, then another foot of gravel, then the abyss. Raise your hand if you know how I feel about heights. Yep, it’s a big fear for me, another one of my “things”. You woulda laughed if you’d seen me hugging the center line. My head was nearly sticking out the driver’s window as I leaned my whole body as far away from that edge as possible. Did I mention there were no guard rails and the speed limit was 10mph, AND it was dusk?!!! I couldn’t even cry because I was so scared that my vision would be blurred.

Not to get too philosophical, but look at the big picture of my life in comparison. Because of that detour I saw some amaaaazingly beautiful countryside, historic towns, and wildlife. Sure, I practically died from terror, but I didn’t. I really do look at life as a rollercoaster. Sometimes those drops bring my stomach into my throat and I scream, but it’s exhilarating too. The road from Mono Lake had those kind of dips and drops, and I alternately screamed and laughed driving through them. I’m not sure why, but for me, there’s something deeply therapeutic and restorative about driving alone across country. I was so energized and soothed by the experience. It was amazingly fabulous.

So, after 3 (instead of the 2 planned) days, I made it to my mom’s in Cañon City, Colorado, just south of Colorado Springs. Mom and her husband have made things very comfortable for me. They’re trying to lure me to stay here. I’m not a desert girl, but it sure is gorgeous, and a 2-3 bedroom house with an expansive yard rents for a jaw-dropping $600 which doesn’t do much to appease my resentment for Orange County. I’m staying until I have enough funds for the next leg of the trip. Unfortunately the economy is pretty depressed, so I’m struggling to find work here too. And, there’s this record-breaking heat-wave going on. It’s been 108˚ all week. Again, raise your hand if you know how I feel about heat. Yep, HATE it!!!

Well, that’s about it for now. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I’ll let you know when more develops.

RoadTrip Journal 07.16.05

What might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.

Lemony Snicket

A Series of Unfortunate Events

For those of you who are in the latest loop, this may be redundant, but I’ve been very sporadic in keeping the details flowing, so this should get everyone up to speed. For the last year, my life has been very focused as I completed my BA in psychology, maintained pre-adoption visits every weekend with a 10-yr old boy, Abel, and wound up moving around quite a bit, resulting in 98% of my belongings going into storage. I painfully decided to leave my wonderful job at Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp to finalize the adoption process over the summer in order to give Abel some transition time before starting school in the fall. Well, God had other plans, and within 36 hours of finding a wonderful replacement for me at camp, the adoption plans were terminated as a relative stepped forward to care for Abel.

Needless to say, my heart dropped. I gave up something I loved for someone I loved, and ended up with neither. At times I second guess myself, but I have to go forward, knowing that I’ve been in pursuit of God’s will all along, so it’s feasible that this “hiccup” is all part of His plan for something new.

Having stepped out into the inky black abyss of my future, there was nothing to do except begin trying to open every door within reach. I had several fabulous interviews for interesting positions with strong companies. None of them, however, resulted in a job offer, (thought provoking stuff for someone who’s pretty much always been offered whatever position I sought.) Unable to pry open any of the doors I thought God was leading me through, I decided to take advantage of my newfound freedom (being homeless and unemployed has its advantages.)

If you know me even a little, you know that relationships and community are right up there with oxygen and water for me. So, since one of the great longings of my heart is to connect with my community, and so many of the people I love are scattered across the country and I haven’t had the time to visit in several years, I thought a road trip was in order. This seemed the better option to shrieking hysterically about my circumstances and the absolute terror of feeling so isolated and vulnerable. But, believe me, at times that option has real appeal!

I would be lying to say that I have no doubts about this trip. I wonder if it’s a smokescreen to cover the panic I feel at not knowing where the next step is for me. Is it just a reaction to the sense of helplessness and hopelessness I feel at being unemployed, homeless and vulnerable? Should I just turn around, buckle down, eat crow and get on with it? I don’t know. I have conflicting feelings to be sure. All I can say is that I’m continuing to call out for guidance. As always, your prayers are coveted particularly as I examine what Aristotle said, “One’s purpose is merely a matter of knowing where one’s talents and the needs of the world intersect.”

Tomorrow I head to Colorado.